Meeting Of The Mindless
by Red Witch
Summary: Different members of the Figgis Agency have different priorities. Some try to find ways to make money. Others try to find ways to spend money. But everyone wants to drive Cyril and Mallory crazy.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off in a meeting somewhere. Just some more ideas of what happened during those three months before the Figgis Agency got a single client.**

 **Meeting of the Mindless**

"All right! This meeting of the Figgis Agency is now called to order!" Cyril said with authority. "So where the hell **is** everybody?"

Only Archer, Mallory and Lana were in the conference room with him. "I couldn't find them anywhere," Lana admitted.

"I found Michael Gray sleeping on the couch in the break room," Archer said. "He looked tired and I didn't want to wake him."

"It doesn't matter," Mallory waved. "The less those feckless fools contribute the better."

"Great…Fine!" Cyril grumbled. "Okay so let's get down to business. That being finding ways for the agency to get business so we can stay in business and not get closed down."

"I have a suggestion…" Archer held up his hand.

"We are **not** changing the name of the agency!" Cyril snapped.

" **Why not?"** Archer snapped.

"Because I'm the only one with a real license **that's why**!" Cyril snapped.

"But Archer Agency is better for so many reasons!" Archer protested. "Alphabetical order in the first place!"

"Sterling none of us are exactly happy with the name," Mallory glared at him. "But it is what it is! Give Cyril some credit for actually accomplishing **something** with his life. As opposed to a self-centered whoremonger like yourself!"

"What did I do **now?** " Archer groaned.

"Or who did you do now?" Cyril quipped.

"I know you managed to get my credit card the other day and took some Californian Cutie to a fancy restaurant!" Mallory snapped.

"Really?" Cyril smirked as he folded his arms. "Who did you take Archer?"

"Shut up Cyril," Archer snapped. "And I need to be seen around town! It's part of the business here in California!"

"Acting business! Not private dicks!" Mallory snapped. "Which by the way you never keep private!"

"Lana do you have a rebuttal for all this?" Cyril couldn't resist twisting the knife.

"Didn't Archer tell you to **shut up**?" Lana glared at him. "And we're getting off track here. The point of this meeting is to talk about the agency. Not whomever Archer took to Spago…"

"How did you know which restaurant it was?" Mallory asked.

"Yes Lana, how did you know **that**?" Cyril grinned.

"Well I uh…" Lana flustered. "I assume that's where Archer would take someone because that's apparently the place to be seen in LA."

"Really? So who did see you Archer?" Cyril asked. "Or more importantly who saw you and your date?"

"Mr. and Mrs. I'm Gonna Punch You So Hard Your Teeth Will Shatter," Archer growled.

"Oh shut up Sterling! I don't care who you took," Mallory grumbled.

"Wanna bet?" Cyril said under his breath. Archer and Lana glared at him.

"What I care about is you spending **my money**!" Mallory snapped. "This isn't the old days of when I was running a spy agency! You no longer have an unlimited account! Remember?"

"As if you ever let us **forget** ," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Sterling I can't even afford a new fur anymore!" Mallory snapped. "Much less whatever deprived party you come up with for your latest flavor of the week!"

"We do live in California now," Archer pointed out. "Too warm for furs! So there's a cost saver!"

"Well we'd better come up with some ideas or else we'll lose **everything!"** Cyril snapped.

"Again!" Mallory groaned. "Is there anything any of you idiots can think of? I ask knowing the answer will be extremely disappointing."

"I think Michael Gray is living in our break room," Lana said. "Maybe we can charge him rent?"

"I don't think he can afford it," Archer admitted.

"Great! Just what this agency needs!" Mallory snapped. "Another useless leech sponging off of us."

"First of all…This is TV's Michael Gray," Archer snapped. "He's a TV star!"

" **Was** a TV star…" Mallory corrected.

"Secondly even though he's technically not a client," Archer went on. "He probably has contacts. Which our agency could use in the future."

"If he has contacts why isn't he sleeping on **their couch**?" Mallory snapped.

"And thirdly…" Archer went on. "If he gets a comeback we'll be in on it! Odds are one of his shows the Idiot Squad pitched with him will at least get made into a pilot during the midseason crunch!"

"Oh yes and such **high quality** shows they are," Mallory groaned. "One show is about clones. Another is basically a rip off of our own lives. And the third is about an actor having a midlife crisis! Call Variety I think we have the next Steven J. Cannell!"

"They added a few other shows," Archer admitted.

"Oh **this** I have got to hear," Mallory folded her arms.

"Well one is about this doctor that works in an outer space hospital," Archer spoke up. "Think Star Trek meets St. Elsewhere."

"Does this also take place inside a giant snow globe?" Mallory asked.

"There's another idea they came up with," Archer spoke up. "A gay version of the Six Million Dollar man with Michael as the scientist who created him."

"Gee I wonder who came up with **that**?" Mallory rolled.

"It was Pam actually," Archer corrected. "Ray's idea was a political satire of a politician who discovers he's gay. Here's the twist…He's a Republican who falls in love with a Democrat."

"That is a twist," Mallory admitted.

"Michael wants to be the executive producer and play the chief advisor who's having an affair with the gay Republican's wife," Archer added. "That last bit was Ray's idea too."

"So it's basically a gay version of Scandal," Lana said.

"Pretty much yeah with a little Veep thrown in," Archer admitted.

"There's a market for that?" Mallory asked.

"There is believe it or not," Lana shrugged.

"I don't believe it. Any other ideas?" Mallory asked in a tired voice.

"A comedy about an accountant that works at a spy agency," Cyril coughed. "All right I may have pitched an idea or two myself."

"The future of the quality of television is looking brighter than ever," Mallory said sarcastically.

"Mallory I know Michael Gray isn't exactly the highest profile actor in the world," Lana said. "But he is a contact. And that's better than no contacts at all."

Mallory let out a breath. "I suppose you're right."

Archer nodded. "Yeah Mother it's not exactly like you're doing that great in the contact department either."

"I still have friends," Mallory protested. "Just not as many as I used to. Not to mention the fact that we've been **blackballed!** Which means…since Sterling you've obviously forgotten…"

"Like you'd ever give me a chance to," Archer rolled his eyes.

"When a spy or group of spies is blackballed," Mallory went on. "It means the Intelligence Community in general **shuns them**! We are ostracized! Out of favor! Given the heave ho and cold shoulder! Banned from doing the work we used to! No member of a legitimate spy agency will even say **hello** to us on the street! People I have known and worked with for fifty years have cut me dead! Which I might as well be…"

"It's not that bad," Archer sighed.

"Not **that bad?"** Mallory shouted. "Sterling even ODIN won't give me the time of day!"

"Oh no!" Archer mocked. "The turtleneck copycat douchebags won't talk to us! Whatever shall we do?"

"Is Len Trexler still in charge?" Lana asked.

"Honestly I don't know," Mallory admitted. "Then again this is Len we're talking about. He wasn't exactly on the ball when his brain wasn't figuratively turned into lettuce."

Cyril let out an annoyed breath. "Well there's no point in grinding on it! What's done is done. We're not spies anymore. We're detectives now. And we need to figure out how to get some clients and paying jobs. If we can't…"

"We may have to go back to selling cocaine again…" Mallory groaned.

"We are **not** going back to selling cocaine again!" Lana barked. "I'd sooner have Cheryl be a country music star again."

"She is **not** going to be a country music star again!" Mallory told Lana. "Not only doesn't the ditz remember that, she's been blackballed too!"

"Oh right with the arson incidents," Archer realized.

"So let's start thinking of ways to get jobs and money for this agency!" Cyril snapped. "We really should have the others here."

"For what? Comic relief?" Mallory snapped.

"What about the money Cheryl pays us for protection?" Lana asked. "She still does that doesn't she?"

"Yes but…" Cyril sighed. "In exchange for helping us set up the agency and helping us find places to live we agreed to waive the fee for several months. So we're not going to get any money from her anytime soon."

"Big shock," Mallory grumbled. "None of that lot ever help!"

"That's not true Mother and you know it," Archer said.

"I swear they sit around and have meetings on how to annoy me!" Mallory shouted.

"Oh come on Mother…" Archer began to protest. "That doesn't happen!"

"Really?" Mallory snapped. "Then explain the planning committee to renovate our old office? Remember the ten million dollars you wasted?"

"Okay maybe one or two meetings," Archer admitted. "But it's not like it happens all the time!"

Meanwhile in a bar a few streets over…

"All right this weekly meeting of I Hate Mallory Archer Because She's a Bitch Club is officially open," Pam said cheerfully to the group of Cheryl, Ray and Krieger sitting at a booth. Of course there were plenty of alcohol and appetizers on the table.

"I'd like to add an addendum to the meetings," Ray spoke up. "The Cyril Figgis is Being a Huge Pill Act."

"Seconded," Cheryl raised her hand.

"Third," Krieger nodded.

"The motion is carried," Pam agreed. "We'll file that under the Annoying Archer Act and the Making Lana Less Self Righteous Addendum."

"Sounds good to me," Cheryl nodded. "Wait am I supposed to be taking notes?"

"Only mental ones," Ray explained. "We don't want any physical evidence being traced to us remember?"

"Oh right…" Cheryl nodded. "Evidence about what?"

"About how to screw with Ms. Archer and Cyril," Pam said. "For which I'd like to start off the meeting by congratulating Ray on getting us some free take out from Spago the other night."

"It was easy," Ray waved. "A wig, some contacts, a mustache easy rinse dye, a waiter's uniform, white gloves and a false accent and the lovebirds didn't even recognize me. I even waited on a few tables and got over two hundred bucks in tips."

"Ms. Archer is so going to flip when she sees the bill on her credit card!" Cheryl giggled.

"And best of all since Archer never knows the price of stuff he'll take all the blame!" Pam grinned.

"It's nice to know I have a skill to fall back on if this private eye thing busts," Ray sighed as he took a drink.

"Don't worry Ray," Pam said. "Things will work out. They always do."

"Before or after we all nearly get killed?" Ray asked.

"Well if we do my cloning technology will come in handy," Krieger grinned.

"Speaking of technology," Pam said. "Have you guys been watching those Me Tube videos on how to annoy people?"

"Oh yeah," Cheryl giggled. "We gotta try some of those. Those are great! I especially like the one where people are slow spinning around in chairs. We should do that one. It will drive Ms. Archer crazy! And Cyril! He's being a whiny bitch about the new chairs. It's not like he paid for them!"

"Definitely do the chair thing in the future," Ray nodded.

"Agreed," Pam nodded. "Anything else?"

"Well…" Krieger added. "I did do one thing with Milton…"

"Please tell me it's not the brown note thing," Ray groaned.

"No, not that," Krieger waved. "But I did manage to program something that's almost as effective…"

Back at the office…

"I swear if those drunken idiots ever did figure out an effective plot against me…" Mallory began.

"Mother you're being paranoid," Archer rolled his eyes.

"It's not paranoia when someone is out to get you!" Mallory snapped.

Just then the sound of mariachi music was playing. And the smell of toast filled the air. "Oh dear God…" Mallory groaned.

Milton zoomed around popping toast and playing music. "Just what we need!" Mallory groaned. "Mexican toast!"

"Hey! Milton! Stop popping toast everywhere!" Cyril snapped. "You're getting crumbs on the carpet! Come back here! Milton! Milton! MILLLLLLLLLTON!"

"Look at that," Mallory sighed as Cyril went after Milton. "A machine with the personality of toast and a person with the charisma of toast. They should get along like a house on fire. Which is what I should do to this so called agency…"

"Well it's not an official meeting unless my mother threatens to burn the place to the ground," Archer quipped as Mallory went out.

"Honestly I don't see that much of a difference from our old agency to this new one," Lana admitted with a sigh. "And that's the scary part."


End file.
